Rabbi’s Message — 2/14/25

Posted on February 14, 2025 by Rabbi David Katz

Today is Valentine’s Day and the day always brings back memories…

During my first year of Rabbinical school in Jerusalem my theological leanings tilted one way and the next and upon my return I wondered if I should continue to send my mother Saint Valentine’s cards as I had been doing over the years. When I hesitated and the day passed, I received a one line letter from my father. It read, “Are you going to be sending your mother a card? Signed, Dad.” My father was a man of few words. I knew I was supposed to listen.

It was inconceivable to my father that I should ever question this innocent ritual. Any words spoken by me about the “Saint” in Saint Valentine’s Day were going to fall on deaf ears. Though he had been raised as an Orthodox Jew, my father, may he rest in peace, had no doubt that sending a Valentines’ card or gift to one’s mother was a sacred responsibility of every Jewish son.

So I went to my professors, all men and all but one Rabbis, and asked them what they did or did not do on Valentine’s Day. Six out of seven said they did something for their wives. My Bible professor, a very distinguished scholar, put it this way: “If I…. yes, if I (his jowls shook,) did not spend 2 hours waiting in line to get a box of chocolate for my wife….she, yes she… would not let me into the house!” There was a combination of bitterness, astonishment, defeat and resignation in his trembling voice.

Now I am not going to suggest to you that you stop expressing your love for your partners, friends or family members on Valentine’s Day. It is not my goal to cause strife within the community, especially marital strife. For some, like my father, any hesitation by a Jew to celebrate, what for all intents and purposes is today a secular holiday, is ludicrous. What fascinates me are the many theological questions surrounding the issue – which I would like to enumerate.

1. At what point does any religious holiday actually become secular? (January 1st is the day Jesus had his bris!) South American Catholics are still calling January 1st the Feast of Circumcision. Do we Jews have the right to redefine the holiday and take it as our own? Would it matter if all OUR neighbors here in the Hillsborough area went to church that day?
2. If St. Valentine’s Day were once a pagan festival would that influence our decision in any way? (Purim is observed on the exact days the ancient Babylonians were celebrating the holiday honoring their gods Marduk and Ishtar. Hmmm…is it a coincidence Purim’s heroes are Mordechai and Esther?)
3. Is it right for any individual or group to redefine the rituals or symbols of another religion? For example, is it OK, even in the privacy of one’s home for a Jew to call a Christmas tree a “Chanukah bush?” Is it OK for non-Catholics, in the privacy of their homes, to eat communion wafers as snacks? Is it OK for non-Jews to use a yad, a Torah pointer, as a back scratcher, or line their walls for warmth, with an old, faded Torah scroll?
4. Jews are not supposed to celebrate holidays from other religious traditions. What are the differences between Halloween and Christmas that we might say “yes” to one but “no” to the other? How would we explain these reasons to adults or to religious school children?
5. What makes theological distinctions important or not important in our lives? When should we care and when should we say, “It doesn’t matter?”

My own answer to the question “Is it OK for Jews to Celebrate Valentine’s Day” may not be entirely satisfying. Even so, I think it has merit. There is a holiday of love in our tradition. It is Tu B’Av, meaning the “15th of the month of Av,” and it usually falls between late July and mid August, six months before Valentine’s Day. (This year it begins the evening of August 19 and continues until sunset the following day.) It was observed 2000 years ago… the young men use to go down to the vineyard and meet the young women, all of whom wore white dresses borrowed from one another so no one could tell the rich from the poor. The Talmud describes the romantic scene this way:

THE DAUGHTERS OF ISRAEL CAME OUT AND DANCED IN THE VINEYARDS. A Tanna taught: Whoever was unmarried repaired thither.

…Our Rabbis have taught: The beautiful among them called out, Set your eyes on beauty for the quality most to be prized in woman is beauty; those of them who came of noble families called out, Look for [a good] family for woman has been created to bring up a family; the ugly ones among them called out, Carry off your purchase in the name of Heaven, only on one condition that you adorn us with jewels of gold. [Every young woman, no matter her appearance or standing in society, declared herself eligible, citing the reason why.]
(Ta’anit 31a)

Quite a scene!

Should we celebrate Valentine’s Day? I think we should bring back Tu B’Av and make it a real holiday. We could make our own tradition stronger and have a great time. In Israel it is actually known as Chag Ha’avavah, the holiday of love. It’s perfect. Tu’ B’Av even rhymes with “love.”

And last but not least, (actually, last but probably most important,) is this: This week the Torah portion “Yitro” is read and Jews around the world will stand as the the Ten Commandments are proclaimed. It is then that we will hear the words: “Remember the Sabbath Day and keep it holy.” (Ex. 20:8) Let it be noted that through the centuries Friday night dinner has always been celebrated with words of love and the Sabbath table is set with candles, “a loaf of bread and a jug of wine…”

If your loved one is looking for a dinner out on Valentine’s Day or a box of candy, explain all this. Just don’t quote me on any of it.

 

Shabbat Shalom,

Rabbi David Katz